10:44 • mixed feelings..
this is one of kaochan's lesser problems if it is even a problem at all and i don't mean to sound cringey but i've been crushing? in love ? with a person for a really long time now? as of recent months i've grown surer of this but in the even more recent months i'm piecing together that they started dating someone not too long ago. i don't really know how to feel since i was never planning to confess (i don't want to date them either i just want to stay with them forever and be happy) but at the same time i've been here since longer and. i sound like an anime protagonist's childhood friend / second love interest oh no..
mostly i just want them to be happy but i also hate seeing their partner around or being mentioned. it's pretty visible when kaochan gets upset apparently so i hope no one noticed anything..
it's selfish and mean of me to say but i'm waiting for them to break up soon. unfortunately my mindset on actual dating romance is it never lasts long. as much as i wish for their happiness, my selfishness gets the better of me.
they're a really affectionate person. maybe i've been interpreting things wrong, but i also usually don't like someone this way ever i'm afraid that this is my only chance at "love" and i may have missed my chance
also gender neutral terms for anonymity
26/07/07 12:31 • testing with a vent sorry
i dunno what to talk about so vent loredump i guess
i saw this image somewhere and i.got a blast of unforgetting beam and i couldnt stop thinking about it because it was such a familiar feeling the crumpled up paper and the shaky letters i dont know why i got it on my feed i dont usually look at stuff like these
when i was 7 or something my mom made me write apology letters and tell me that she would leave me and my dad if i didnt write it. and when i finished a draft quickly because i didnt want her to leave i would go show her and she would tell me it sucked and i needed to make it longer and that i wasnt actually sorry then after like five tries she got sick of it and told me she'd stay but it was in a really offhanded way it was like "stop im not leaving oh my god" and i had spent two hours writing in my room while crying and then coming downstairs and being told to make it better. but i dont wanna bring it up again ever because i dont know if i want to know what she was thinking at the time. i dont know i feel like thatwasnt really my mom it was very out of character for her to do or maybe it was in character at the time and she just went through character development while i grew up dissociating half the time also it was my fault because i think it was something really stupid like i was wtaching youtube kids when i told her i was gonna draw on my tablet or something along those lines its really dumb i dont wanna think about it
ifeel bad for remembering this kind of stuff
and also posting about it online
sorry i promise i'm a lot more cheery usually.. next post will be happy